The Epcrawl

Canada
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. This is the last country - Thank God. Everyone is a total puddle and security is likely circling. A woman with a screaming and crying 5 year old boy just went by. She was trying to calm him with a pacifier. He’s 5!!! Kindergarten for this kid is going to be like a child molester in Attica. Before he makes it off his first school bus ride some second grader is going to shank him. Might as well give up on him and focus on your daughter - it’s an easy choice Sophie - make it. Wish us luck dodging the Mounties.
Good Night!

Canada
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. This is the last country - Thank God. Everyone is a total puddle and security is likely circling. A woman with a screaming and crying 5 year old boy just went by. She was trying to calm him with a pacifier. He’s 5!!! Kindergarten for this kid is going to be like a child molester in Attica. Before he makes it off his first school bus ride some second grader is going to shank him. Might as well give up on him and focus on your daughter - it’s an easy choice Sophie - make it. Wish us luck dodging the Mounties.
Good Night!

As if things weren’t bad enough already some of the guys are going to do Tequila shots with their beer. Not a great idea, especially considering all the drinking still to come. Anyhow, the Mexican Pavilion at Epcot is my personal favorite, but for the people behind the magic here at Disney, Mexico has been a challenge. For example, at the end of their shifts employees at the World Showcase take buses back to their dorm rooms, but the Mexicans kept jumping in the lake and swimming to the US pavilion. If that weren’t bad enough, Disney received literally hundreds of complaints about the “Mexican Experience Ride” where park guests would ride in the back of simulated pick-up trucks to prune hedges for rich white ladies.
One country to go. Cananada

Even thou I am not good at public speaking we are in Norway and apparently this country brings it out of me even if it happens to be one word f@@k. According to the pictures on the most popular ride in epcot every one still looks like Vikings they just where overalls while working on oil rigs but they do have the best collection of naturally blonde strippers on the planet. Brought to you by chrispirations

GONNNGGGGG….wercome to China. Here we have Tsing-Tao beer. We all smirle when we tark to you because we are srowry taking over the Worrd. Soon you arr wear silk crothes and have fucked up arphabet rike us. Stupid round eyes rook for crues. Some not do verly good. Some seem do better than others. Jew seem doing ok. Maybe because he wear hair tie on wrist. Stupid American in sweater say Jew is harf homosexuarl and harf retarded. This is carred a Chrisparlation.

Greetings from africa. where you can’t get water, but ice cold coke is everywhere. apparently the disney imagineers believe africa looks like sanford and sons backyard. Guys we spent way too much money making china, so we’ll garbage pick to create africa. The only thing worse than this exhibit are the guys competing against me in this crawl. Marino is still shirtless in italy. Mike keeps back tracking to japan. Gamble is in the usa giving musket lessons, and Will as always is pointless. This one is in the bag. Thank you nelson mandela.

I’m always weary when I step foot into this country. Cast members begin whispering into their collars, tourists quickly run into attractions and gift shops promptly lock the doors and close the shudders. Next thing I know 6 guys is black trench coats grab me and tell me that “my hygiene is not up to park standards, we insist that you come with us to take a shower”. There’s a rumor that Walt built an apartment in the Magic Kingdom, the other rumor is he built an underground rail line to vacate “less the desirable” guests. I swear you crucify one supposed “savior”, and you get a bum rap for the next 2000 years. Well that all ends today! This fear mongering must ge-stop-o right now Anne Frankly it is a long time coming. If a man wants to scour the ground for loose change and mispriced gift shop items, goddamit it’s a free country! Oh look the hitler youth parade is starting…

When I think about Italy, I am reminded of the tale of Christopher Columbus who discovered American. Now, some of you may be saying -”No, the Vikings discovered America”. Not true -the Vikings discovered the ass crack of Canada -aka Newfoundland. Columbus found the Bahamas. Winner - Columbus. Anyhow, Columbus, an Italian, discovered America in the name of Spain. Why ? Because he went to the Italian ruling types and said “I will you find you gold and jewels”. They told him to fuck off. So he went to the Spaniards and they were like “gold and jewels, sweet”. So, with hindsight if Columbus had told the Italians he was looking for “gold chains, the Chevy Camaro, and men’s cologne” history might have been very different. And that’s one to grow on. Oh yea, Sam Adams blows. Will and Germany are up next.

This about to Puke moment brought to by Sam Adams. The Official “holy shit this tastes bad” beer of Epcrawl. As you may realize, I am not a fan of Sam Adams. I want to be - they are truly a great American story. Of course, being a big story doesn’t automatically make something good. The Bubonic plague was a big European story and no one likes plague except gravediggers, who I’m told, don’t like Sam Adams. Therefore one can logically deduce that Sam Adams is worse than the plague. I would wager that if you ran into the founder of Sam Adams - that guy in the commercials - and offered to buy him a Summer Wheat draft, that he would have the Sam Adams Secret Police silence you before this poison touched his lips. So, enough about Sam Adams.
It is God Awful though.

Greetings from japan, The greatest place on earth. i am far to distracted to make a post. Instead of searching for clues i am desperately trying to find the massage parlor. I know its here somewhere! I wish Hearn was with me right now, hes probably facebook friends with all the workers. Well hopefully i make it back in time for check out tomorrow.. if not, Me so solly.